I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
