if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
