Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
