i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
