I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
