He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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