Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
