I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
