I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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