My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
