My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
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