my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
