he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
