too bad you live with your parents still
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
