I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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