I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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