I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
