can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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