youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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