I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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