The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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