Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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