happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
