How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
