Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
