So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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