we're blogging at a bar
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
