If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
