I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
