I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
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