It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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