your room smells of hookers.
And success
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
