Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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