he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
