Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
