I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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