i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
