It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
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