You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
