guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
