First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
