I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
