oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
