I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
