Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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