google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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