Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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