I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
