just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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