Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
