Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
