I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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