Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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