i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
