TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
