Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
